One member's story...

The first time it happened, I was four. I don't really remember much, except that all of a sudden, the world seemed so much scarier. That Christmas my family had traveled to my grandparent's house for the holidays. No one had any reason to believe that my very own grandfather couldn't be trusted. I was a child, what did I know? To me, as a child, it felt like I was being loved, but there was something about it that was totally scary. I began to have nightmares once I was safely back home in my own house. This continued every time my family would visit with my grandparent's--summer vacations, Christmas holidays, etc.

It wasn't until I was a pre-teen that something happened to make me realize that what was going on was totally wrong. I was over at my other grandparent's house (my mom's parents), watching a TV show about childhood sexual abuse and the warning signs with my grandma, and she asked me if something like that had ever happened to me. I couldn't tell her the truth! She would think I was bad and that there was something very wrong with me that I actually LIKED what was happening to me. It didn't matter that the truth was, I was just desperate for attention from anyone, and THIS made me feel loved.

Fast forward to my teen years. The abuse had been continuous any time we visited with my grandparent's. I had turned into a very mixed up, rebellious, promiscuous, drug-addicted teenager. My mother didn't know what to do with me, so she took me to family counseling. It was during one of these sessions that I finally confided to my therapist my deep, dark secret as to why I thought I was such a bad girl. She asked me if my mom knew. I told her no. She then asked me if I was ready to tell her. I did, and thus began years of therapy, soul searching, and healing.

I'm still not completely there, but I have forgiven him, and I believe that it has made me much stronger. Recently my grandfather passed away from a long battle with cancer. Of course this brought up a whole bunch of emotions, but I came through it with the realization that I am so strong, and that I have this obligation to share my experience to give others hope. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. Now, as the mother of a little girl, I am fiercely protective of her and I will make sure something like this NEVER happens to her.

On a side note, I don't feel that the details of the abuse are relevant, as this story is not just about surviving, but thriving. The abuse ended when I was about 19. He was at my dad's visiting when he tried something for the LAST time with my dad and my grandmother just in the next room. I was so proud of myself for standing up to him and saying to him, "I KNOW what you are doing and it is not right, and don't you EVER touch me again." I had never been so empowered before! I am telling my story because I am sure there are many women who are living with their secret, somehow thinking that they are the ones to blame. I'm here to tell you this is not your fault and it does not make you a bad person. Bad things happen to good people. It's how we choose to deal with these things that makes us either victims or survivors. I am a survivor!