This summer I experienced my first mammogram. I am still a couple years below 40, but during a yearly check-up my doctor found a lump I had not previously felt during my monthly self-exams. I was a little nervous going to the mammogram, mostly about what it might find, but also I was apprehensive about the procedure itself. I had heard so many stories from women about their experiences and was a tiny bit afraid that it might be a painful procedure. I came through it all with flying colors. My lump turned out to be nothing serious and my breasts were deemed healthy. In all honesty, I was surprised how relatively easy and painless the mammogram was. I do not know if having smaller breasts helped with my comfort, but I do know that I was totally impressed to see my smallish breasts squished to the relative size and width of a plate. As I left the office that day I breathed a very big sigh of relief, both that my lump was fine, and that I had checked another first off my life's list.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and although we hope you are paying monthly attention to any changes in your breasts, this is the time of the year that the public focus is turned towards breast health. Early detection continues to offer the best fight against breast cancer and the mammogram is the best tool for this. The breast x-ray or mammogram is recommended yearly for women age 40 and older. For those younger than 40, but with a family history, may have mammograms recommended sooner by their doctor.

The women at W-P recognize the seriousness of breast cancer and understand that it has touched many, many lives just within our own community. I do not want to diminish this seriousness in any way. However, I also understand that the mammogram is one of the stranger procedures that women have to go through. I have noticed that men seem to be missing out on the "fun" of placing a vital part of their body in between two cold plates that squish and flatten. On that note I turn you toward the friends of W-P and some of the "lighter side of mammograms".
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I had my first mammogram last year. The lady was positioning my girls and had to move them around a lot to get a good picture. I told her I usually don't get that intimate with someone until they've at least bought me dinner. She cracked up! ~ Jill

I've had a mammogram...I didn't think it was any big deal at all. I'm barely a B cup, too. Fast, easy, and not at all "painful." It wasn't exactly comfy, but it didn't bother me. I was 37...Dr. wanted a baseline mammo. I don't think I need another one until I'm 40. ~ Michelle

The first really traumatic mammogram I remember (but of course, aren’t they all ‘traumatic’?) happened when I was in my early forties, having delayed the event as long as humanly possible with my gynie. He just wouldn’t take no for an answer. As a matter of fact, I think he actually called and MADE THE APPOINTMENT FOR ME to ensure that it was done. Anyway, when the day arrived, I waited very patiently for my turn in the waiting room. When I could tarry no longer, I was led to a very nice closet whereupon I was ordered to undress, clean my armpits with an alcohol wipe (WAY too small to do a good job) and place these "never seen before in my life" nipple markers in just the right spot. Then I was to put on this little cotton robe (that certainly didn’t fit anyone of my size, but that’s another story…) and told, "Remember, open in the front!"

I was led to a cold room, marched up to an unremarkable machine that seemed to have two glass shelves attached, protruding obnoxiously in my direction. The nurse pushed me up to the shelves opening the robe up affording me NO modesty whatsoever. My breast was grabbed like it was luggage and schlepped up to the bottom glass "shelf." It was pulled and stretched and was too much for me to watch. I closed my eyes to relieve my personal suffering. I felt a lot more humiliation as the frontal assault continued for what seemed like half an hour. When I felt the two glass shelves come together on top and below my breast, I thought "I could take this - after all I have borne children." When I could take the pain and pressure no longer, I opened my eyes to locate the nurse to complain when I espied what appeared to be a flesh-colored dinner plate in front of me. I was wrong. It was my boob. Who knew that body parts could be smashed so flat that they are unrecognizable to the owner, and live to tell the story. ~ Merrilyn, HostJulie’s Mom

My mom says it was like they were working with Play-Doh rather than a person's body part when she had hers done. ~ Katie's Mom

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.

EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again. You are now properly prepared. Go ahead and make that appointment! ~~ Author unknown

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts, Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And my bra I always wore. After 30 years of astute care, My Doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that lump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine." She stepped upon a peddle. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vice! My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath", she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that was good", I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's have a go at the other one". Lord have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender little hide! If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow! This machine was designed by man, Of this I have no doubt, I'd like to stick his balls in there. And see how they come out! ~~Author unknown

Please remember, this month and always, early detection really does save lives. The exam may not be pleasant, but it is definitely the best screening tool currently available. For more information about breast health and breast cancer please check out the following websites:

The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation
National Breast Cancer Awareness Month
National Alliance of Breast Cancer Organizations
Avon Breast Cancer Crusade.

Lynette is a wife and stay at home mom of three from the Pacific Northwest. She has a medical background and is giving some thought to building an at-home scrotogram. She has not worked out all the details yet, but has a list of men that will be first in line to test the machine.