Congratulations – you are considering adoption! I am so excited for you and with you. Adopting a child is a lot like a marriage. In a marriage, two people, not related by blood, decide, in the presence of God and witnesses to join their lives together and make a family. This is also true in adoption. And just as marriage involves preparation, planning, support, working through challenges, celebrations and attention to details, so does adoption.
Recently, I had the opportunity to help edit an online guide to adoption. The guide started with this paragraph, which I felt was so helpful, I will use it here as well: “Planning and preparing for the journey of adoption is not unlike preparation for any other type of journey – the two essentials remain the same: Information and Instruction.
1. Information: It is critical to gather as much good information as possible from trusted sources about what you are getting ready to do, and
2. Instruction: on how to travel the new territory, make good decisions, and avoid the common pitfalls associated with the territory you will be traversing.”
The best adoptive parents are the ones who are well informed at the outset, and who have an openness and expectation that they will need to continue this learning process throughout their lives as adoptive parents. So I hope reading this article, and others I have provided, will be just the beginning for you, the beginning of a challenging, exciting, frustrating, rewarding, joyful, lifelong journey – whether you adopt or not, becoming more informed will help you to be a better parent, friend, colleague, sister, or advocate. Let the journey begin!
If you spend twenty minutes or so Googling on the word adoption or “adoption process,” you will find that the problem is not a lack of information about adoption. Actually, the problem is that there is so much information on adoption that it becomes really difficult to find your way through it. So what I want to do here is just briefly outline a few important steps to get you started and to point you in the direction of some of the better resources available.
A good way to start is to read one of the publications designed as “Beginner’s Guides” to adoption. Here are my three top choices:
http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/adoption_gip_one.pdf
http://www.davethomasfoundationforadoption.org/html/resource/Beginners_Guide.pdf
http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/courses/overview.cfm
In addition, I really recommend that you spend time talking to adoptive families about their triumphs and trials in the process. Learn from those who have gone before you. In addition to talking to the wonderful ladies here at Womens-Place, one good way to meet several families with a variety of adoption experiences is to attend meetings of a local adoptive parent support group. For a list of support groups in your area, contact the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC – www.nacac.org ). Another way is to attend an adoption conference in your state or region, or a national conference such as the one sponsored each year by NACAC.
Self Assessment
In addition to talking to others and becoming an informed consumer of the adoption services you will need to complete your journey, it is also very valuable to invest the time in really doing an in-depth personal self-assessment in terms of your readiness for life as an adoptive family.
Remember the marriage analogy I started with at the beginning of this article. Think about that again now. In a marriage, the two people getting married bring with them their whole life experiences and their whole family including the in-laws! When you marry someone, you marry the in-laws too, like it or not! Right? Well, it is also true that when you adopt a child you not only adopt the child, but his whole birth family too. Even if it is not an open adoption, the birth family, and maybe some foster families, are part of who the child is and part of what the child brings into this new relationship. It is important to remember this and think about the child’s birth family the same way you might think of in laws in a marriage. Of course, there will be some you like or get along with better than others, but all of them are part of the package that makes up your child, just like your own parents, siblings and other relatives are part of the package that made you who you are today.
The eco-map is a good tool to use to help you figure out what adjustments you will need to make when you adopt a child.
Here is a very informal description of an eco map:
Think of an eco map as the solar system your family is the sun and all the other people and organizations in your life are the planets circling around you. After you have drawn in these planets, think about the relationship you have with each one. Is it positive, productive or stressful? What new planets will you add when you adopt an older child? Will you lose any of the planets you have now? How will this picture of your family change? As you work on an eco-map, ask yourselves the following questions:
~Do you clearly understand why you want to adopt?
~Are both parents committed to adoption?
~Does your lifestyle allow you the time necessary to meet the needs of the child you are seeking to adopt?
~How will adoption change the dynamics of your family and do you have what you need to make it work?
~Do you have deeper issues in your marriage which you are hoping the adoption will help with?
~Do you realize that the notion of “saving an orphan” is not a foundational reason on which to base an adoption?
~Do you have support from your extended family, friends, church, community?
~Finally, do you possess these needed characteristics, including some of the following:
---Perseverance and patience; nearly all adoptions involve a significant “waiting” period(s) in the adoption process.
---The ability to accept without judging, and to love unconditionally;
---Willingness to learn new things;
---A belief in adoption and ability to commit;
---Resourcefulness.
---Parenting skills and willingness to learn new approaches to parenting.
Here are a few other questions that are helpful as you plan your journey.
When you adopt, you are not only providing love and a home, you are also sharing your values with a child. Adoption makes an impact on your ability to carry out and reach your personal and family goals and values. An examination of your belief system can help you define your own needs and be aware of your expectations. Take a few minutes to consider and answer these questions. Be sure to discuss these with your husband or wife and a supportive person such as a pastor.
Values Worksheet
~What are the five values that are most important to me?
~How did I acquire these values? Parents? Religion? Personal soul searching? Spouse? Other?
~Does my spouse share these values? How does this affect our marriage/relationship?
~How important is it to me to pass these values on to my children?
~What could possibly happen to me if my children or my spouse do not accept my values? (Be specific and concrete.)
~What could possibly happen to my children if they do not accept or live up to my values?
~Do I see adoption as a resource for me to have children, or do I see adoption as a way I can be a resource for a child who needs a home? Does this affect my expectations of how my child will behave or what my child will become?
~What do I get out of raising children? Why did I have children, or why did I have so many? Do I have a strong preference for boys or girls?
~Do I feel my life is satisfying in itself or am I dependent on my children for my fulfillment? Do I expect my kids to become a “me” that never became?
~Do I find it hard to accept or love someone who chooses to be different from me?
~Do I have any close, important relationships with someone who has a very different set of values than me? How does this work out?
Types of Adoption
There are several different types of adoption to consider as you weigh your options and decisions. Basically, these include:
Domestic private: This is often the route people wishing to adopt healthy infants will take. These adoptions can be facilitated by licensed adoption agencies (for-profit, or non-profit), attorneys or adoption facilitators, physicians, or other intermediaries. Often these children are adopted directly from their birth families using the services of adoption attorneys or adoption agencies to make sure that the legal requirements are met. Usually, the child’s biological family chooses the adoptive family, and both parties take part in deciding how much future contact the original family will continue to have with the newly created family. While most children adopted through private adoptions are infants, there are still many factors and variables to consider. Some of these are whether to consider only healthy infants, or infants with special needs or risk factors; whether to adopt only within your same race and ethnicity, or to adopt transracially and the degree of openness you wish to have with the child’s birth family. A competent agency or attorney can provide you with counseling and classes to help you sort through these issues and make these decisions wisely.
Inter-country (International): Adoption of children who are citizens of one country by parents who are citizens of a different country. Such adoptions require the approval of the governments of both countries. (When choosing a country from which to adopt, it is important to check the State Department website to make sure that this country is currently allowing inter-country adoptions to the U.S. to take place. http://www.travel.state.gov/family/family_1732.html
Kinship/Relative: Adoption of children by someone related to the children by family ties or by prior relationship connection. Children are sometimes adopted by their stepmothers, stepfathers, aunts, uncles or grandparents, if one or both of their parents cannot take care of them. These adoptions also need the assistance of licensed adoption professionals to make sure legal requirements are met.
Domestic Adoption from state foster care: Adoption of children from the U.S. foster care system, or public child welfare system. Many children in the community need new families because they are growing up in state-sponsored foster care in temporary situations that can change at any moment. These children are all ages – infants to adolescents - and races, some with health problems and some with none. Many are sibling groups of 2 or more children who need a family together. Having suffered losses, these children need new parents who are committed to helping them make the transition to a permanent home and the optimism and hope that a permanent family can offer. While these children are generally in the custody of the public child welfare agency, these agencies often contract with private provider agencies in the community to perform the adoption services including preparation classes, homestudies, post adoption support and finalization. For most of these children, the state will provide access to Medicaid for their medical needs and a subsidy which can help meet other needs such as tutoring, summer camp, therapy, child care or enrichment activities.
Next Steps
If, after thought, reflection, self-assessment, exploration of your options and meeting many people involved in adoption, you are ready to move forward in your own adoption journey, obtaining a homestudy is the next step. I recommend, and urge, you to work with a licensed adoption agency for this important step. I further urge you to go to orientation meetings and gather information from more than one agency before deciding which agency to work with. Consider the whole package of services, supports and options an agency offers. Do not make a decision based solely on who will get your homestudy finished fastest or for the least money.
Every U.S. state requires that all prospective adoptive parents complete a home study irrespective of the type of adoption they are pursuing. There are three general purposes of the home study: 1) to educate and prepare the prospective adoptive parents; 2) to evaluate the fitness of the adoptive family; 3) and to gather enough information to help the family determine a proper match with a child whose needs they can meet. Although home studies vary from state to state in components, cost, and time to complete, there are a number of common elements: training, interviews and home visits by the social worker, health and income statements, background checks, personal autobiographical statement, and references. It is important to remember that the home study is not designed to find perfect parents but appropriate homes for children.
For more information about homestudies, as well as questions to ask when choosing an agency, the beginner’s guides suggested at the beginning of this article provide helpful information.
Here are a few more recommended sites to explore as you work your way through the initial stages this wonderful adoption journey:
http://www.adopt.org
http://www.adoptuskids.org
http://www.jcics.org
http://www.tapestrybooks.com
http://www.adoptiontapes.com
http://www.adoptioninsight.org
http://www.pactadopt.org
http://openadoptioninsight.org/index.html
Good luck and Godspeed!
Sue Badeau and her husband, Hector, are the parents of twenty-two children and more than 20 grandchildren. They served as foster parents for more than 75 children within the United States, as well as a host family for refugee youth from several other countries. Sue acted as the Deputy Director of the Pew Commission on Children in Foster Care and currently travels throughout the United States as a professional speaker and advocate for adoption and foster care.
